Phaedrus the Archimage

Phaedrus the Archimage sat on his throne;
Two nights and a day had he brooded alone--
The mightiest wizard from here to the sea
Sat shrouded in thrall to abysmal ennui.

"For sevenscore years have I mastered my craft,"
The powerful magician bitterly laughed;
"I have flown o'er mountains, walked under the sea--
What magical feats are there left now for me?

"Every spell I cast blossoms in grandeur and awe--
I have changed lead to gold!  From the deep ocean's maw
Have I lured forth the mermaids; even raising the dead
Is a task I've performed while I'm still in my bed!

"The most dreadful of daemons have cringed at my feet;
I have summoned rain, snow, thunder, lightning and sleet
With a snap of my fingers...how can I top that?
I might as well pull rabbits out of a hat."

Phaedrus scowled out the window at dawn's early light:
"Sitting here does no good---I must get up and fight,"
The mage muttered, and stalked down the stairs of his tower
To awaken his servants at that ungodly hour.

As he entered the kitchen, the sorcerer blinked--
"EUREKA!  All hope is not lost," Phaedrus winked;
"There is one more challenge that I'll undertake---
I shall bake a most sumptuous chocolate cake!"

The cook and the kitchen staff trembled in fear
To have their dread master so oppressively near;
But he told them, "Begone!  I shall do this myself!"
And he reached for the cookbooks high up on the shelf.

"My confection," quoth Phaedrus, "shall be most supreme--
Six or seven layers tall, filled with chocolate cream
And covered with strawberries, icing and glaze---
This shall be a dessert to confound and amaze!"

He consulted the recipes for many an hour,
Then gathered the eggs, sugar, oil and flour--
Now, this was the first time Phaedrus tried to bake
So naturally he made at least one small mistake...

"'Fold in three large eggs'," read the wizard, and tossed
In the eggs shell and all--in the batter, he lost
A small, potent gem from a ring on his hand:
"By the gods, this will be the best cake in the land!"

"Only one cup of cocoa?  Not enough--I'll use three,"
Quoth the magus, pouring in the vanilla with glee---
So he mixed and he pummelled, he sifted and stirred
'Til the batter grew brown, very viscous and weird!

Phaedrus scowled, "Out of cloves?  Eye of newt's just as good!"
He replaced cinnamon with dried dragon's blood---
Then he poured all the glop into seven cake pans
And put them in the oven, rubbing his hands.

As he mixed up the frosting, Phaedrus chuckled for joy,
For the first time in ages, he felt like a boy---
"Mmm, that smell!  This cake should be served to the gods
Rather than all my servants, those dull-witted clods!"

From the oven, a bubbling growl could be heard,
A sound at once both uncanny and absurd;
Phaedrus turned with a frown and opened the door,
Only to be met with a hideous roar!

Seven chocolate cake-tentacles writhed forth from within--
"ALAKA-SLUORDON," Phaedrus shouted, "KA-ZYNN!!"
Just in time the cakes subsided back into their pans,
And he slammed the door shut with cold, shaking hands.

Phaedrus stayed alert as he finished his task;
He layered and frosted, until at long last
The cake was completed, a proud chocolate tower!
"Come and get it," he called, "we shall feast at this hour!"

May the gods all have pity on Phaedrus' men,
For no living soul shall behold them again---
Something horrible happened when they sat down to eat
Their well-meaning master's unspeakable treat!

Exactly what happened, who knows?  But it's true
There's a hole in the wall where some vast THING went through
And Phaedrus the Archimage--who now has a new cook--
Stays out of the kitchen, the silly old schnook.